So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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