imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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