my vag is so smooth its legendary
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
