that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
