Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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