I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
