I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
