So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
