my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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