aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
