I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
