Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
