i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
