you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
