You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
