yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
