The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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