I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
