Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
