why didn't you poke me back
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
