Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
