It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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