i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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