Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
