May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
