guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It's blow job season.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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