is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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