can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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