So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
foreskin is a definite game changer
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
