I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
