I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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