my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You're a waste of cheezeits
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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