that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
