this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
