You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
cat food counts as protein by the way
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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