Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
