woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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