You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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