9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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