Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
