Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize