i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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