i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
