There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
