why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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