I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
