So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
