Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
