Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The beer is more important than you right now.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize