I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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