Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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