Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
This is the high leading the old right now
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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