I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
