Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
