Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
