I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
