I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
