wrigley field is MILF paradise
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
