so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
